When My Body Finally Got a Vote. What changed when I stopped overriding myself.

I changed my name from Kate back to Yuchun after my dog Max died. The first time I became Kate was during an internship in Hong Kong. My manager asked if I had an English name because I was about to present a new product launch to the press. I didn't. So I frantically searched online for English names and landed on Kate because it sounded sharp, smart and sophisticated. Most importantly, I hoped my boss could pronounce it. 

The next day, I showed up to work as Kate. Kate knew what to do and what to say during the press conference even though the entire time her back and stomach was feeling tight.  She pushed through her discomfort and showed up as Kate the doer. Coming out of art school I wanted to break the stereotype that artists weren’t good at business and wanted to protect myself from judgment.

I continued to use the name Kate when I started my own jewelry business 11 years ago. I showed up at each industry event and built a network of suppliers to prepare my company to make the most of every opportunity. I worked tirelessly and stayed up late at night to prepare craft shows when inventories were running low. I skipped dinner and powered through to meet the deadlines and showed up right before the local post office closed at 8:30pm. I relentlessly tried to figure out the next trends and rode the waves one after another.  What Kate gave me was a solid business foundation. Through years of persistence, I built a business that supported me and created a life that once felt out of reach.

I experienced periodic burnout especially after successful events. I often caught myself lying in bed awake late at night after a record sales weekend. Sometimes I would break down in tears and put my dog on my chest to help me calm down.  My partner often wondered why I wasn't happy that I just broke another record. Each burnout took longer to recover as the years went by. The idea of another long successful popup weekend, creating another viral moment or viral shoutout made me cringe. I didn’t know how I could survive it especially when everything came all at once.  I didn’t know if my relationship with my partner would survive another round of busy season.

I had to make a difficult decision to end my dog’s ongoing illness and suffering last January. After he passed away, my heart was ripped open. The grief exposed my vulnerability and I had no place to hide it. When I felt anxious, he was not here anymore to help me calm down.  I couldn’t talk about it, tears arrived unannounced at any moment. I sat at my work desk for a long time just staring at the wall feeling completely lost as if an old self just couldn’t perform anymore while carrying that grief.

This March I went to a jewelry industry event in Hong Kong as Yuchun. People were talking about how lab created diamonds are in high demand. I went to a large lab diamond manufacturing booth. It was crowded with at least 20 people in front of me. My body froze and I couldn’t make myself move forward and ask for their offering and prices. It felt like an old identity had dissolved and my stomach started to hurt as if my body just hit a brake while driving on a downhill. It said no no no. My mind recognized the tension and agreed to walk away. The minute I walked away I started feeling lighter in my chest, my back and my stomach. I thought to myself perhaps that’s what it felt like when you give your body a say. 

I didn't reject Kate. I integrated her into Yuchun. Kate taught me how to build a business. She taught me how to stay resourceful, organized, and persistent when things got hard. But grief exposed something I had ignored for a long time. The tension in my back, the tightness in my stomach, and the sleepless nights were never obstacles to overcome. They were information. Using Yuchun means giving my body a vote.